


Keep Secrets Just to Keep You

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, M/M, Sex, These assholes are at it again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:13:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: Sonny propped himself up on an elbow. “So we’re coworkers with benefits.”Barba grimaced. “I wouldn’t exactly put it that way... But Carisi, know that’s all that it is. Just sex between people too busy to find other partners. I don’t really date and I definitely don’t date men I work with.”Once again Sonny felt that he should be insulted, but the prospect of keeping this ongoing was too good to pass up. “I can do that. Sex with no feelings.”
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 99
Kudos: 321





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, blame PBB.

Sonny was late. He was crammed into an unconditioned car of the C train like cattle, and he was very, very late. He glanced up to where his hand was wrapped around the bar just above his head, rolling his wrist so that his Apple watch lit up. He nearly groaned at the time. 

It was rare for him to oversleep. He’d always been a morning person, and usually woke before his alarm, but he’d been out half the night with Fin, staking out an apartment building that they believed was being used as a brothel. It had been nearly three in the morning by the time he’d fallen face first into his bed. 

It normally wouldn’t be a big deal. The lieutenant knew they’d been on the stakeout and would be lenient if he showed up an hour or two late, but this morning he wouldn’t be dealing with the lieutenant. 

Finally, the train reached his stop and he fought his way from the center of the car and through the doors just as they threatened to close. He practically ran from the station to the courthouse, sweat pouring down his back and forming on his brow. 

“In a hurry this morning, huh, Detective?” The guard at the security checkpoint commented with a grin, handing back his gun, while Sonny collected his wallet, badge, phone, and keys from the small bowl that had gone through the x-ray machine. 

He worked to cram all his belongings back in his pockets, fixing his badge to his hip and returning his gun to its holster even as he hurried for the elevator. By the time he found the right courtroom, he was out of breath and had sweat through his shirt. 

Barba, on the other hand, was the picture of calm, seated in the front row of the jury box, feet propped up on the railing, writing on a legal pad he had pressed against his thigh. An anthora coffee cup sat on the rail next to his feet. Sonny assumed that by this point the cup was empty which only made things worse. “You’re late,” the counselor said without even looking up. 

“I know, I know.” He was still trying to get his breath back as he rushed up the aisle. He really should take Rollins up on those offers to go running with her in the mornings. He was a great sprinter, easily taking down a perp quickly, but clearly endurance was not his thing. 

As he cleared the gallery and approached the jury box, Barba finally looked up, giving him a once over with that scrutinizing gaze of his. Sonny ran his hand over his hair that he hadn’t had time to fix, and then down his suit jacket in a futile attempt to rid it of wrinkles. 

He felt inferior to Barba on a good day, now standing in front of him completely disheveled, he wanted to crawl into a hole. Barba was always so put together, so stylish, and Sonny had done his best in the past few years to emulate that, but had clearly failed today. 

“Did our appointment interrupt your walk of shame?” 

Sonny felt his cheeks burn and suddenly felt the need to assure Barba that he hadn’t spent the night in someone else’s bed. “No, I overslept and I—”

“I honestly could not care less, and we don’t have time for whatever excuses you were going to make. We now have exactly,” he checked his watch as he dropped his feet to the floor, “one hour and twenty-three minutes until my motion hearing, so I’d like to at least get some work accomplished.” 

“Yeah, sorry,” Sonny mumbled, climbing up onto the witness stand. He was an accomplished detective who faced down hardened criminals every single day—He was a member of the New York Bar for Christ’s sake!—and somehow Barba managed to make him feel like a kid who’d just gotten detention. 

“Did you review the case notes?” Barba asked, approaching the box, legal pad in hand. 

“I know how to do my job, Barba.” He was starting to get frustrated. Yes, he’d been late, but he was working on very little sleep and wasn’t in the mood for Barba’s condescending attitude. He’d used the streetlight shining through the car window the night before to review the case, his eyes straining at the effort. He would have liked to use the dome light, but that would have drawn too much attention. 

Barba shot him a look like he didn’t quite believe him, but held up his free hand, his gold pen twined in his fingers. “I was just asking. Now, you’ll be my second witness, after the victim since you took her disclosure…” 

They used their full time, Barba making him run through the details and then coming at him aggressively like the defence would on cross, working right up until Barba had to leave for his motion hearing in a courtroom down the hall. 

“Don’t be late tomorrow,” Barba warned him before hurrying out to make his hearing.

Sonny just rolled his eyes, picking up his jacket that he’d taken off sometime during their prep, and not bothering to put it back on. This time of day, his walk to the precinct would be plenty warm without it.

On his way out he waved to the guards at the door and stopped at the coffee cart at the bottom of the stairs, finally getting his first hit of caffeine for the day. He wasn’t an addict like certain ADAs that he knew, but it was still a necessity in his line of work.

He’d just turned toward the precinct, hoping for an easy day of paperwork, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. The screen showed his lieutenant’s name. So much for an easy day. “Yeah, Lieu.” 

* * *

A couple of weeks later, Sonny entered Barba’s outer office, a tray of coffees in one hand. 

“He asked not to be interrupted,” Carmen said without greeting. 

“Aw, c’mon, Carmen. I brought you a coffee.” He flashed a grin and held out the tray. “Yours is on the right. Besides, it’s important.”

He’d discovered a long time ago that getting in good with assistants and other admin staff always tipped things in his favor. He’d learned Carmen’s coffee order during his first couple of weeks with Manhattan SVU, as soon as he’d discovered what a hard ass Barba could be. He knew Carmen was the gatekeeper and that she was great at it. It helped to be in her good graces. 

She gave him a skeptical look, but rounded her desk, grabbing the coffee cup from the tray as she moved toward Barba’s door. She knocked on it lightly before pushing it open and ducking her head inside. “Mr. Barba, Detective Carisi is here. He says it’s important.” 

Sonny didn’t hear what Barba said in response, but Carmen swung the door open further and motioned for him to go through it. 

“Whatever this is, Carisi, I don’t have time for it,” Barba said before Carmen had even closed the door behind Sonny. He was at his desk, striped shirt sleeves rolled to his elbows, dark suspenders over his shoulders. “I have to figure out a way to get the judge to keep this DNA in since you and your colleagues can’t seem to do your jobs properly.” 

“That’s why I’m here actually.” Spurned forward by a sense of purpose, Sonny placed the tray holding his and Barba’s coffees on the corner of the desk, rounding it to look over Barba’s shoulder. “I was up last night, looking at the case law. I think I found a precedent for you to use.” 

He flipped through the pages of the law volume that was at Barba’s elbow until he found what he was looking for. “See? NY v. Kramer.” He tapped a fingertip on the page. 

Barba simply looked up at Carisi, eyebrows raised at his brazenness and Sonny took a step back, suddenly aware of the way he’d invaded Barba’s space. “Anyway.” He moved back around to the other side of the desk, dropping into one of the visitor’s chairs. “I think that case will work.” 

“Kramer isn’t relevant here.”

Sonny’s hand froze where he was pulling Barba’s coffee from the tray. “Why not?” 

“Because,” Barba took the cup from his hand. “In Kramer there were extenuating circumstances. There was a life at stake when the cops broke down the door. They weren’t just being overzealous.” He shot him a look. 

“Okay, but don’t you also think that—”

The counselor let out a loud sigh. “I don’t have time to play professor today. I know you enjoy these little debates where you get to practice your skills, but you’re not a practicing lawyer, Carisi. If I recall correctly, I called in a favor at the Brooklyn DA’s office and you turned it down. You wanted to be a cop, so be a cop and go find me a way to get to this DNA that doesn’t make it fruit of the poisonous tree.” 

“I—” Sonny started, but Barba was done with him, having lowered his head and resumed writing on his notepad. He took his own coffee, tossing the tray in a trash can on his way to the door. 

“Thanks for the coffee,” Barba said as he walked out. 

Sonny said a quick goodbye to Carmen as he went through the outer office and back into the marbled hallway. His face burned and he didn’t know if it was from embarrassment or anger. Probably both. 

He’d spent hours the night before combing over case law and Barba had shut him down in a matter of seconds. He honestly didn’t know why he bothered. 

No. That wasn’t true. He knew exactly why he bothered, but he refused to think about that right now. He had work to do.

Back at the station Sonny combed through all of the files they had, desperate to find something that would fix their screw up. Well, it wasn’t even technically his screw up, but that didn’t stop his need to fix it. 

After going through the files a second time, he shoved them across his desk with a frustrated groan. 

“I told you there’s nothing there.” 

“Not really in the mood for ‘I told you so’s’.” He picked up his coffee mug and frowned when he saw that it was empty. It was probably for the better. He was going to have a hard enough time sleeping that night as it was. 

“I don’t know why you let Barba give you so much shit,” Rollins said, sipping from her own mug, almost as if to rub it in that hers wasn’t empty. 

“Who said Barba was giving me shit?”

She just sent him a look that said ‘give me a break.’ “Sometimes I think you like it.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“The little digs, the snide comments, I think some part of you enjoys it.” 

Sonny scoffed, pretending to be interested in whatever was on his computer screen. “Yeah, I love being insulted.” 

“Hey, no kink shaming.” Rollins held up her hands. 

“Seriously?” He wasn’t in the mood for this. 

“You’re telling me you didn’t spend all night looking for a precedent for this case just to impress him?”

“No,” he was adamant. “I did it to try to save our case.”

“If you say so…” She went back to her own files. 

Sonny checked his watch. It was getting late; he should go home. It’s not like he was going to manifest something to save their case. But instead of standing and throwing on his jacket he sighed and pulled the case file back in front of him. 

He’d read through the first third for probably the fifth time when he looked over at Rollins. “I don’t feel the need to impress Barba.” 

“I said okay,” she said without even looking up. 

“It just gives me a chance to work my lawyer muscle.” 

“I don’t think that’s the muscle you’re trying to work.” It was said with pure nonchalance, still not bothering to look over at him. 

Sonny felt his cheeks burn. “I don’t want to sleep with Barba.”

“Okay.” 

“I don’t.” 

“Sure, and he doesn’t want to sleep with you either.” 

This caught his attention. “You think Barba wants to sleep with me?” He went for an air of mild curiosity, he failed. 

Rollins finally looked over at him. “Y’all have been making eyes at each other since you showed up here. You just need to go at it and get it over with.” 

His mouth opened, but he found that he didn’t know what to say to that. Sure, Barba was attractive, and Sonny liked it when the counselor thought he did a good job, and maybe he thought about him a lot. Like, a lot. And maybe sometimes that thinking happened when he was in the shower, but that didn’t mean—

“Do me a favor,” Rollins interrupted his spiral. “If you’re gonna make this happen, do it in the next six weeks. I’ll win fifty bucks from Fin.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all of your comments and kudos so far! I'm glad you're enjoying this one. <3

Over the next few weeks any time Sonny was in the same room with Barba, Rollins’ words would pop into his brain and he’d feel his face burn. It wasn’t so much that she’d accused him of wanting to sleep with Barba. That wasn’t news to him. He was a man with eyes, wasn’t he? Who wouldn’t be attracted to Barba?

But no, it was her suggestion that Barba wanted to sleep with him too that had him rattled. It had honestly never crossed his mind that such a thing could be true, but now it was all he could think about. 

He knew he was acting funny, looking down at his desk instead of volunteering when the Lieutenant needed someone to run over to One Hogan Place with paperwork or to ask for a warrant, not willing to be alone with Barba. In meetings where the counselor was present he only spoke when necessary, never chiming in with any legal suggestions, and making as little eye contact with him as possible. 

A few times he zoned out completely, thinking of pulling off expensive ties and shoving down suspenders, only to get a pen thrown in his direction courtesy of Rollins. 

He really needed to get it together. 

That was his last thought before taking a deep breath and pulling open the door to Forlini’s. Barba had been harassing them to find an additional complainant in a case they were working and they’d finally done it. Liv had volunteered him to fill Barba in on the details. 

He’d gone by his office first, but Carmen, who was packing up to go home herself, had informed him that Barba had left for the night. She suggested he check the bar. 

As always, Carmen was right. Barba sat at the far end of the bar, suit jacket hanging over the back of the stool, his shirtsleeves rolled up. A plate of half eaten pasta sat pushed off to the side, forgotten as he wrote intently on his legal pad. 

“Hey Barba,” Sonny said as he approached. The counselor looked surprised to see him. 

“You have good news I hope,” Barba said, not even bothering to ask how the detective knew where to find him. 

“Jessica Malcolm.” He dropped a folder onto the bar top in front of Barba. “She says Jansen raped her two years ago in the office after hours, just like Marie.” 

“But she didn’t file a complaint?” Barba flipped open the folder, skimming the run down on Jessica and then flipping to her signed statement. 

“She didn’t go to the police, but she did disclose to her best friend. And she quit two days later even though she was in line for a promotion and making mid six figures.” 

Barba made a humming sound that seemed something like approval. “You’ll need to fully vet her and I’ll need to talk to her, but this should work. Good job, Detective.” 

“Just doing the job,” he said, turning. “Have a good night, Counselor.” 

“Carisi, wait.” 

Sonny froze for a moment, but finally turned back around. 

“I feel like things have been a little weird between us since that day in my office.” 

Sonny wracked his brain, trying to figure out what Barba was talking about, and then he remembered. Barba’s spiel about how Sonny had chosen to be a cop, not a lawyer. He thought Sonny’s feelings were hurt. 

Well, he supposed that was better than realizing that all Sonny could think about was getting the counselor naked. 

“It’s not that I haven’t been enjoying the silence,” Barba continued. “But I’d hate to think that I discouraged you from a continuing interest in the law.” 

“Oh no, it’s not that,” Sonny said before he could stop himself. Dammit, why was his mouth always faster than his brain?

“Okay then. Good.” Barba seemed confused, but for a moment Sonny thought he’d leave it at that. He wasn’t that lucky. “What is it then?” 

“Nothing. It’s nothing, really.” He took a breath. “Actually, you know what, that is what’s wrong. I just thought I’d leave you alone, give you what you wanted.” 

The counselor fixed him with a scrutinizing gaze. “If you ever are going to be a lawyer, you’re going to have to learn to be a better liar.” 

Sonny huffed. He could lie. He was great at undercover work and at bluffing in an interrogation room. It was just that Barba had the annoying skill of getting a perfect read on people. 

“Look, Barba, it really doesn’t matter, okay? If you want me to start chiming in with my legal opinions again, I will.” Right now he was willing to say anything that would get him out of this conversation. 

Barba didn’t say anything, just lifted his glass of scotch to his lips and took a sip. Sonny’s eyes focused in on his mouth and then followed the line of his throat as he swallowed. When he realized what he was doing and looked up again, Barba’s eyes were on his. 

“Spill it, Carisi.” 

Sonny was thankful that he and Barba were on the same side. He’d never be able to withstand that staredown on cross. He couldn’t withstand it now. “It was just something stupid that Rollins said.” He looked down at the floor, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. 

“Ah,” Barba said knowingly. “And what delightful insights did Detective Rollins have to offer that has you avoiding eye contact with me?” 

He sighed. There was no getting out of this. Maybe it would help to have it out there, to have Barba laugh it off and shoot him down. Maybe then he could get over it and stop acting like a teenager. “She said—” He paused and took a breath, looking up finally. “She just said that she thinks that all of our back and forth and antagonism is some sort of foreplay.” 

“It’s not?” Barba looked completely calm over the rim of his glass, nothing in his expression letting Sonny know whether he was kidding or not. 

“What?” His mouth was hanging open, but he couldn’t help it. Of all the responses he could have gotten, he never imagined that one. “All this time you’ve been  _ flirting _ with me?”

The counselor drained what was left of his scotch, then set the glass down on the bar, all of his movements deliberate and painstakingly slow. Finally, he turned back toward Sonny. “First of all, I’m a grown man, I don’t flirt.” 

No, apparently you just antagonize like a kid on the playground, Sonny thought, but had the presence of mind not to say it out loud. 

“Second of all, while you run your mouth a little more than I’d like, there’s no denying that you’re smart and attractive, and that I’ve occasionally thought about better things you could do with your mouth.” 

Sonny was sure that there was a bit of an insult in there somewhere, but his brain didn’t notice it because all of his blood had gone straight to his dick. 

When Sonny continued to stand there, baffled, Barba cleared his throat. “Did I overstep?” 

“No!” It came out too quickly and too loud, other patrons in the bar turning to look at them. “No. It’s just that I uh...I…” He couldn’t believe this. Rafael Barba was hitting on him. Not just hitting on him, but full on propositioning him. How was this happening? 

“Well, let me know when you’ve formed a thought.” Barba started gathering his things, shoving them into his briefcase, and tossing down some cash on the bar while Sonny tried to process the current situation. 

It was finally when Barba stood, briefcase in hand, jacket thrown over his forearm that Sonny finally managed to get it together. At least enough to put a hand on Barba’s shoulder to keep him from leaving. 

“Wait. Don’t go. I mean, we need to do something about this right?” Barba’s eyes noticeably traveled downward and Sonny’s cheeks burned more than they already were. “God, that’s not what I meant. We just, we should talk about this.”

“Haven’t we done enough talking?” 

It was something in the way that Barba looked up at him, the same stubborn defiance in his green eyes that was always there, but this time there was something else. The flicker of desire. It was a challenge issued, and Sonny had the feeling that Barba thought he’d back down. 

He wasn’t going to. He slid his hand from Barba’s shoulder to the back of his neck, leaning down to press their lips together. Barba’s lips were soft and warm and tasted faintly of scotch, and every nerve ending in Sonny’s body turned to fire when his free arm wrapped around Sonny’s back, pulling him closer, kissing him back. 

This was all too much. His brain couldn’t take it. Twenty minutes ago he’d been filled with the shame of what he thought was unrequited attraction, and now here he was, pressed up against Barba’s body, the counselor’s mouth moving against his. What? How? 

Barba was the first to pull away, but he took Sonny — breathless, elated, confused Sonny — by the arm. “Let’s not do this here.” 

He pulled him toward the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all finally get some of that no feelings sex you were promised. And I didn't even make PBB write it for me this time! (So if it sucks it's all my fault.)

The next thing Sonny knew they were in a cab and Barba was asking him where he lived. 

“Uh, Washington Heights.” 

Barba shook his head. “I’m closer. Seventy-sixth and Columbus,” he directed to the cab driver. 

And just like that they were speeding uptown. 

At first Sonny thought they might continue what they’d started in the bar, getting handsy and making out in the back of the cab. Something he hadn’t done since his twenties. But Barba seemed content to remain on his own side of the cab, leaving at least a good six inches between them. 

As the blocks ticked by on what was an excruciatingly long ride, Barba remained silent, the glow of his phone screen showing a passive, uninterested expression on his face, and Sonny began to worry. Maybe in the seconds after giving the cabbie his address Barba had changed his mind, but by then it was too late, they were already stuck in here together. 

No, Barba was definitely the kind of guy who would have just had the driver pull over and dump Sonny out if he was no longer committed to this. 

But still. It was strange. Barba was acting like they were two strangers who’d happened to end up in the same cab together. 

“So, Upper West Side, huh? That must be nice,” Sonny said finally, the silence killing him. “Close to the park.” 

“I don’t really get to go much. I’m not really home during daylight hours.” 

“Right.” Sonny cringed, turning to look out the window at the storefronts and pedestrians as they whizzed by, all of the nerve he’d built up at the bar lost by how awkward this cab ride was. 

Finally, mercifully, the driver pulled over to the curb. 

“I got it,” Barba said when Sonny reached for his wallet, so he slid out of the backseat, standing on the sidewalk while Barba dealt with the card reader. 

He wondered if he should make up an excuse to leave. He could fake a phone call, pretend they’d caught a case. 

“This way,” Barba gestured up the block, having finished paying. 

And then Sonny didn’t care how awkward the car ride had been or even how awkward this night might end up being. There was no scenario in which he didn’t follow Barba.

The building was classic, very Barba, and Sonny stood on the first step while Barba unlocked the outer door. Following him inside, his heart began to race. This was actually happening. 

They were silent while they waited for the elevator, and when the doors opened Barba gestured for Sonny to go first. 

He was barely inside, the doors sliding closed, when he was pushed up against the far wall. He barely registered the thump of Barba’s briefcase hitting the floor before his mouth was on his. 

A sound of surprise caught in his throat, but it didn’t take him long to catch up. Strong hands roamed his back and torso as the elevator climbed, and his chest heaved, fighting for air when the doors opened and Barba walked backwards, scooping up his briefcase and pulling Sonny by the tie with his free hand. 

“I thought. You didn’t. Want me. Anymore.” Sonny managed to breathe out between kisses. Barba seemed to expertly navigate down the hall backwards, his focus on drawing kisses from Sonny. He assumed they reached the right place when Barba’s back hit a door labeled 5E. 

“I don’t make out in cabs,” Barba said like that was explanation enough and turned for a moment to unlock his apartment door. Sonny resisted the urge to press up against him as he did so. He was fully willing to follow Barba’s lead here and he didn’t want to be overeager. 

He didn’t get to see much of the apartment, only catching glimpses of dark wood and books—lots of books—as they worked their way down the hallway, still connected by frantic kisses. 

Sonny could hear his heart thumping in his ears and his skin was on fire. Every now and then he’d get a bit of oxygen and his brain would scream ‘ _ You’re about to have sex with Barba!’  _ But then Barba was nipping at his throat, or pulling off his tie, or shoving him down on a neatly made bed and there wasn’t any room for thoughts. 

At least not any that didn’t have anything to do with golden skin that he’d only dreamed of ever getting a glimpse of, or strong hands that he’d never thought he’d get to feel running over his bare torso. And then those hands were moving lower, unbuttoning Sonny’s trousers, and soon those thoughts were gone too. 

And then he was completely naked, sprawled out across Rafael Barba’s expensive duvet, his dick harder than it had ever been in his life. Fiery green eyes looked up at him, and a pink tongue sneaked out to lick kiss swollen lips. Lips that a second later formed a small, confident smirk. The same lips that then lowered, kissing the tip of Sonny’s cock. 

That’s when Sonny’s brain officially short circuited. Looking down at Barba, taking him completely in his wet, warm mouth, so deep that the tip hit the back of his throat. At first he fisted his hands in the comforter, but then he needed to touch him. His hands roaming Barba’s face, slick with spit and precome, before ending up in his hair, gripping tightly. 

Barba made a pleased sound around the cock in his mouth and Sonny’s grip tightened, his hips rising up off the bed of their own volition. 

It didn’t take long before Barba’s skilled mouth brought Sonny to the brink, and even with a hurried warning from Sonny, Barba remained where he was, swallowing down every last drop that Sonny had to give. 

Normally he’d be spent, his body exhausted and ready for sleep, but not now. Desire still hummed through his veins and he pulled Barba up so that he could kiss him, tasting himself on his lips and tongue. It only served to spur him on. Without breaking the kiss he rolled them so that he was on top. 

“Your turn,” he said with a grin.

Later, after Barba had come, making noises Sonny had only fantasized of him making, they both laid on their backs, still on top of the duvet, both sweaty and sated. Much like in the cab, Barba kept space between them, careful not to touch Sonny in any way. 

Sonny tried not to take it personally. 

Now that it was over, that his blood had returned to his brain, Sonny wondered what exactly this was. Was it a one-time thing? Both of them scratching an itch that had been nagging at them for quite some time? Or was it more? Was he  _ dating _ Barba? 

“You’re doing a lot of thinking for someone whose mind should still be melted. You’re making me doubt my skills.” 

Barba’s voice was rough, his throat still recovering from having Sonny’s dick shoved halfway down it, and if he’d been younger, Sonny would have been hard again at just the sound of it. 

“Never doubt your skills.” Sonny rolled his head to look over at him. “They’re exceptional.” Something in his stomach flipped at the way Barba tried not to look pleased at the compliment. “I was just wondering what this was. Is.” 

“This was sex between two consenting adults.” 

Sonny held back a sigh. It wasn’t unlike Barba to be purposely obtuse, but he thought that maybe now of all times the man could be a little more forthcoming. 

“Yes, thank you for that. But was this a one time thing or...” 

Barba sat up, running fingers through messy hair — Sonny had thoroughly enjoyed destroying his perfectly coiffed style — and looking down at him. “It doesn’t have to be. We’re both very busy men. It might be nice to have the convenience of each other. You know, to blow off a little steam now and then.” 

Sonny propped himself up on an elbow. “So we’re coworkers with benefits.” 

Barba grimaced. “I wouldn’t exactly put it that way... But Carisi, know that’s all that it is. Just sex between people too busy to find other partners. I don’t really date and I definitely don’t date men I work with.” 

Once again Sonny felt that he should be insulted, but the prospect of keeping this ongoing was too good to pass up. “I can do that. Sex with no feelings.” 

“Can you?” Barba asked, and for once he wasn’t mocking him. The look on his face was serious, concerned. “Because you really don’t strike me as the type. It’s what’s kept me from doing this for so long. You dive headfirst and enthusiastically into everything.” 

“You didn’t seem to mind that a little bit ago.” He couldn’t help it. Barba had teed that one up for him, and he felt a little streak of pleasure go through him when Barba’s mouth tilted up in the corner. 

“You know what I mean. I just don’t want anyone getting hurt here.” 

Sonny knew that ‘anyone’ meant him. He honestly couldn’t imagine Barba falling for someone, let alone him. “I get it. No feelings. No one gets hurt. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can thank quarantine for such a quick update. I hope you all are staying safe during this crazy time.
> 
> Also, I'm so happy and grateful that you all are enjoying this fic so much. It really means a lot. <3

Giddy. It wasn’t really a dignified word to describe an adult man, but if Sonny had to pick one for his current mood it certainly fit. But who could blame him? This morning he’d woken up in Barba’s bed—something that was becoming more common than not over these last couple of months—and despite Barba’s protests that it was only sex, the counselor had been pressed up against him, an arm tossed over Sonny’s stomach. 

Sneaking around with Barba was thrilling. They hadn’t kept their activities to only Barba’s apartment. His office after hours had happened a few times, even though each time Barba swore it could never happen again. There’d been one particularly quick hand job in the bunk room at the precinct, and then there’d been the night when Sonny had gone down on him in the bathroom at Forlini’s. 

Barba always acted like he was above what they were doing, but Sonny knew he was enjoying it. It also thrilled Sonny to know that Barba needed him so badly that the buttoned up counselor just had to have him, no matter where they were. 

Much to Barba’s surprise, Sonny had managed to keep up a good front at work. The first few days he’d over done it, acting extra formal when around the counselor, but he’d worked it out. It was just like being undercover. Who he was during the day was different from who he was at night, sliding between Barba’s sheets. 

“You’re looking awful damn chipper,” Rollins commented as she walked into the squad room, carrying the biggest coffee Sonny had ever seen. 

“Anyone would look chipper compared to you,” Sonny deflected, but made an effort to make his face more neutral. “Rough night?”

“You could say that.” Rollins dropped her bag onto her desk, but clutched her coffee like it was a lifeline as she sat. “Billie was up half the night with a fever.” 

“She okay?”

“Yeah, I think it’s just an ear infection. Gloria’s taking her to the doctor now.” 

Sonny could hear the guilt that Rollins felt at not taking Billie to the doctor herself. “I’m sure she’ll be fine. Some antibiotics, she’ll be good as new.” 

Rollins didn’t say anything, just sipped her coffee. 

“Morning guys.” Olivia came out of her office and Sonny was surprised to see her. He’d gotten there an hour early—a byproduct of Barba’s apartment being closer and the counselor’s tendency to give him the boot as soon as the sun rose—and hadn’t seen her come in, which meant she’d been there extra early. 

“I need one of you to take these thumb drives over to Barba. They’re the depositions from previous victims in the Atkin civil suit. He wanted to review them to see if there was anything he could use.” 

“I’ll do it.” Sonny was already rising from his chair. Rollins narrowed her eyes at him, her gaze in full analyzing mode. “What? You wanna do it?” She just grunted and took another swig of coffee. “That’s what I thought.”

Barba’s office door was open and Carmen wasn’t at her desk when Sonny arrived, so he just knocked on the doorjamb as he entered. “Mornin’ Counselor.” 

“No, no, absolutely not.” Barba, seated at his desk, shook his head. “Do you not have an off button?” 

Sonny laughed and plopped down in a chair across from the counselor. “This is a professional visit.” He reached across the desk and dropped the evidence bags with the thumb drives in front of Barba. New York was in the throes of summer so he hadn’t bothered to throw on his jacket for the walk over, and Barba’s eyes tracked up his forearm where his sleeve was rolled up. Barba had a thing for the smooth skin on the inside of his wrist, often kissing it when Sonny was buried deep inside of him, and that may have played into Sonny’s decision not to wear his jacket. 

“That’s not fair,” Barba said, his eyes following the line of Sonny’s arm up to the detective’s smirk. 

“What? It’s hot outside.” 

“Mmhmm.” Barba rubbed a hand over his mouth, but then he shook his head, a sound of protest escaping his throat. “No, really, I can’t. I have an evidentiary hearing in twenty minutes. Tonight?”

“Actually, a friend was able to get me into a restaurant opening tonight. Supposed to be the best new thing. Want to come?” 

“Sonny,” Barba sighed. His name had been falling off of the counselor’s lips a lot lately and Sonny absolutely loved it. He never drew attention to it though, afraid that it would stop. “We talked about this.” 

“What? It doesn’t have to be a date. You like food, I like food. Co-workers are allowed to eat together. You go out with the lieutenant all the time. Besides, I doubt this crowd really runs in the same circles as cops and DA’s.” 

“Okay, okay,” Barba held up his hands. “Fine. But it’s not a date.”

“Of course.” Sonny nodded and stood to go. Everything in him wanted to lean across the desk and kiss Barba goodbye, but they didn’t do that. He was almost to the door when he turned around. “Oh, also this place is kinda trendy, so you might want to, um, not wear, well, that.” He gestured to Barba’s suit. 

When he turned again to leave, Barba had his lapel in his hand, looking down at his two thousand dollar bespoke suit in confusion. 

* * *

“Why is it the more expensive the restaurant, the darker the lighting?” Barba was squinting at his menu. 

Sonny chuckled from across the tiny table that they’d been crammed into. A consequence of them being nobodies. He’d spotted at least four celebrities kicked back in lavish booths as the hostess had led them through the restaurant to a table shoved in the corner by the kitchen. 

The size of the table and the lighting didn’t bother Sonny in the least. Barba had taken his advice and worn dark jeans with a navy button up, the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows. The sight of him walking up the sidewalk had caused Sonny to sweat despite the black t-shirt he was wearing. 

“Maybe they don’t want you to see the prices?” 

Barba huffed a laugh. “Probably.” He put his menu down. “I don’t know what half of this stuff is. I’m just going to wing it.”

“Are you sure?” If Sonny had to guess, Rafael Barba hadn’t used the phrase “wing it” in his life. “I can tell you what most of it is.” 

A bit later, when Barba had a scotch and Sonny had a glass of white wine, and they’d placed their orders (Sonny having helped Barba decipher the menu) Barba leaned forward, forearms on the table. “So, how did you have time with being a detective and going through law school, to also become a foodie?”

Sonny shrugged. “I don’t know about foodie. I just like trying new things.” 

“So do I, and I like a good restaurant, but all of this new stuff,” Barba waved a hand around, indicating the restaurant, “is outside of my realm. But you seem comfortable here.” 

“Cooking is really calming for me. I like going home after work and cooking a nice meal, it’s a way to destress. But the same few recipes were getting old, so I took some cooking classes around the city. There are so many and they aren’t really expensive. And I made some friends who are part of the restaurant scene which led to expanding my horizons more.” 

“Like your friend who got us this table tonight.”

Sonny nodded. “I usually can’t go because of work, but this worked out.” His eyes met Barba’s across the table. “I’m glad it did.” 

Barba opened his mouth to reply, but their food appeared and was placed in front of them, ruining the moment. 

As they ate, they were fairly quiet. Barba commented once that he still wasn’t entirely sure what he was eating, but that it was good. Sonny agreed that his meal was also delicious and that had been about it. 

When their plates were clear and they were finishing their second round of drinks, Sonny looked over at him, playing with the stem of his wine glass. “Did I say something wrong?” 

“No, not at all. It’s just that,” Barba paused a moment, taking a breath, “I was just thinking that maybe this wasn’t the best idea.” 

“And I was thinking that it could be like this all the time if we let it.” 

“Sonny.” It was a warning.

“Rafael,” Sonny shot back in the same tone. Even through all of this, he rarely called the counselor by his first name, but it felt warranted here. 

“We talked about this.” 

“I know we did, but—”

“No buts. When this started I told you what I could give you. And it wasn’t this.” He waved a hand over the table. “I can’t give you a relationship.” 

“Why?” 

“Well, for one thing, we work together. If we’re in a relationship, I can’t prosecute cases you’ve worked on. So how would that work? I’d have to transfer bureaus or even boroughs. Or you would. Are you willing to give up your current position for someone you’ve been sleeping with for two months?”

“Isn’t it still wrong for you to prosecute my cases if we’re sleeping together? What’s the difference?” Sonny purposely ignored Barba’s question. His first thought had been that he’d give up anything for Barba and that scared him a little. Barba was right. It had only been a couple of months. Even if it did feel like longer. 

“It’s a...gray area,” Barba admitted. He drained his scotch and then sighed, some of the intensity draining from his body. “Look, Sonny, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have agreed to come out tonight. I shouldn’t have baited you into kissing me at the bar and I definitely shouldn’t have let this go on as long as it has. 

“It was a mistake. I knew you would never be the no feelings guy and I went through with it anyway because I’m selfish, but I should just go.” 

Panic seized Sonny’s chest. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go. He couldn’t lose Barba. And if that meant only taking the small piece of him he was willing to give, that’s what he would do. “No, don’t go. You’re completely right. We had an agreement and I’m going to stick to it.” 

“It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just—” 

“I can. And I want to,” Sonny assured him. “In fact, why don’t we go back to your place and I can do lots of things to you that have nothing to do with emotions.” 

Something flamed in Barba’s eyes and Sonny knew he had him. Not completely, not in the way he really wanted, but in the only way he could, and that had to be enough. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update once again brought to you by social distancing. 
> 
> I wrote the smut, but it's PBB approved. :)

“God, Sonny. Fuck. Right there.” 

Sonny kept up his pace, even as sweat pooled on his brow and trickled down his bare back, driving himself deep into Rafael, eliciting whines whenever he hit his prostate. 

It had been over six months since they’d spent that first night together and Sonny still couldn’t get over the sounds that Rafael made when he was fucking him, and even more so he still couldn’t believe that he was the one causing them. 

He’d yet to tire of having Rafael’s naked body underneath his. Every time he marveled at the sight of him, tan and supple, his face etched in pleasure. Sonny always watched, kept his eyes on Rafael’s face, even when the other man’s eyes were closed, lost in ecstasy.

In the back of his mind he always worried that this time would be the last time. That they’d get found out or Rafael would simply tire of him, and if that happened, he wanted to remember everything. Every curve, every freckle, the soft skin of Rafael’s thighs; the way the heat of Rafael’s body wrapped around him, the way he trembled when he came, how he’d fall back onto the pillows, eyes closed and breathing heavy, spent and vulnerable. 

Somehow he knew it would never be better than this, no matter what the future held, there’d never be anyone like Rafael Barba. He had to savor it. 

After all this time Sonny could tell when Rafael was close to the edge. It was only then, when his breathing got shallow and his hips thrusted up in an asynchronous rhythm, did Sonny reach between them, wrapping his hand around Rafael’s cock, up until now neglected. 

Rafael let out a hiss of breath that morphed into a moan, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as pleasure overtook him. 

“That’s right, baby,” Sonny ground out, speeding up the movement of his hips in time with his hand. “You’re gonna come for me, aren’t you Rafael?” 

“Fuck. Sonny.” Rafael managed, arching his hips up one more time, and then his dick went taut and he clenched around Sonny’s cock, spilling come through Sonny’s fingers and onto his own belly. Sonny didn’t let go, keeping a steady rhythm with his hand, milking Rafael for all he had, and not stopping even once Rafael had started to shudder from oversensitivity. 

Rafael didn’t complain. Sonny knew he loved it, loved being touched and fucked even after orgasm. It was too much and still not enough and Sonny lived for it. Even now, Rafael continued to roll his hips, meeting Sonny’s thrusts which were growing erratic as he chased his own release. 

It was when Rafael reached down, taking his hand and bringing it to his mouth, licking his own come off of Sonny’s fingers that Sonny lost control, his body tensing just half a second before he came, jerking as he filled the thin condom that separated them. 

“Fuck,” Rafael’s chest heaved once Sonny had rolled off of him, his own come drying on his torso. He glanced at the clock on his night stand. “You heathen. Now I’m going to be late.” 

The sun was filling the room much more than it had been when Sonny had first nuzzled Rafael awake, kissing his neck and running his hand down his body, still naked from the night before. Normally, Rafael would grunt and roll over, mumbling about it being way too early. But this particular morning, he’d been all for it. Sonny had quickly taken advantage of the situation. 

“I didn’t hear you complaining a minute ago.” Sonny grinned. 

“It’s not my fault my dick has a mind of its own when you’re around,” Rafael complained, while internally Sonny beamed. He loved the effect he had on Rafael. Just knowing that the buttoned up, completely in control prosecutor he saw at work came completely undone in Sonny’s arms was a thrill like no other. 

The mattress shifted as Rafael climbed from the bed, heading for the shower. 

“Can I join you?” Sonny asked, propped up on an elbow. 

“Don’t push your luck.” Rafael didn’t even bother turning around before he disappeared into the hallway. 

“I’m gonna be late too!” 

“You should have thought about that,” Rafael called back just before Sonny heard the bathroom door close. 

He just sighed and fell back against the pillows. 

* * *

Finally, once he’d had his turn in the shower, he emerged from the bathroom, towel around his waist, to find Rafael in the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee. He was dressed for the day in a navy suit with a striped shirt and paisley tie. Sometimes Sonny couldn’t decide if Rafael looked better clothed or naked. (It was definitely naked, but it was a close race.)

“Okay, I’m going to leave in about five minutes, so I’ll be well on my way by the time you’re ready to go,” Rafael said over his coffee mug.

“Are we really still doing this?” 

It almost seemed as if the longer they were in this relationship—Rafael would have him drawn and quartered for calling it that, but that’s what it was—the more paranoid Rafael became about them getting caught. 

Even though they were going separate places and taking different modes of transit, Rafael still made them leave his apartment separately so as to not be seen together. 

“You know we have to be discreet. After all this time, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to you.” 

“No one up here knows who we are!” He’d used this argument before, but it was still true. “I could stick my tongue down your throat in the middle of Columbus Circle and no one would give a damn.” 

“I just...I need this, okay?” It was unlike Rafael to sound so sincere, especially outside of the bedroom. “We can’t get caught. It would destroy everything.” 

Sonny wished that Rafael was concerned that being found out would ruin what they had, but he knew better. Rafael’s concern was for their jobs, mostly his own, and what would happen with any cases that they’d worked on together since this had begun. There would surely be a review, their cases gone over with a fine tooth comb. 

“Okay,” he agreed. “You’re right.”

“Thank you.” As he passed by him, Rafael raised up to kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tonight?” 

Sonny nodded. “Sure.” 

* * *

“So this guy still won’t be seen in public with you?” Rollins, incredulous, looked over at Sonny in the passenger seat. They were on their way to talk with a witness, but traffic was crawling, which unfortunately gave Amanda ample time to grill Sonny about his love life. 

His partner was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them, so she figured out pretty early on that Sonny was seeing someone. He’d denied it for a long time, but finally came clean, keeping the details to a minimum. 

When she’d hopefully asked if it was Barba, he’d denied it, rather convincingly, apologizing that she wouldn’t get her winnings from Fin. 

Rollins was not only inquisitive due to her profession, but was extremely nosy when it came to Sonny’s personal life, so he’d had to make up a lot of details about “John” to appease her. Mostly he just thought about Barba and said the exact opposite. 

“It’s not like that,” he protested. 

“That’s exactly what it’s like. You’ve been together more than six months. Six months! That’s half a  _ year _ .” 

“I know how long six months is, thank you.” 

“Yes, you do, which is why I don’t get what you’re doing.” She shook her head as she rolled the Interceptor forward a whopping five feet. Sonny wished this trip warranted lights and sirens. He’d give anything to be out of the car and out of this conversation. 

“It’s complicated,” he hedged, knowing how bad it sounded. 

“What’s complicated? You’re blowing this guy for six months and he won’t even take you on a date?” 

Sonny felt his cheeks flush. He wasn’t a prude, but sometimes Rollins’ crassness was a little much. Amanda noticed it too. “Oh, don’t tell me I’ve offended your delicate Catholic sensibilities.” She rolled her eyes. 

He ignored the dig and returned to her original point. “We’ve gone to dinner.” 

“Once!” 

“I really need to stop telling you stuff.” 

“You know I’m never going to let that happen.” She glanced over at him, her features softening into something more resembling sisterly affection. “All I’m saying is that I don’t get why you’re putting your time and effort into a guy who wants to keep you hidden.” 

“It’s not that. It’s just that…” Sonny chose his words carefully. “He’s not ready to be out yet. It has career implications for him.” It was true, just not in the way Amanda would take it. 

“I don’t know.” She shook her head again. “I just think it’s really shitty and that you deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you. You’ve hated half of my boyfriends and at least they didn’t keep me a secret.” 

“Only half?” Sonny cracked a smile, grateful for the small pivot in conversation, but Rollins’ words still bounced around in his head.  _ You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you.  _

That was the problem though. He wasn’t really  _ with _ Rafael. He’d made that clear to Sonny, even though it was easy to forget. 

“Ha.” Rollins deadpanned at his attempt at a joke. “Don’t think you can turn this on me. We’re not done talking about you.” 

“Look, Amanda, I appreciate your concern, but you’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s not that serious. We’re just having fun, that’s all.” 

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” 

Sonny didn’t respond. They both knew the answer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pain. It begins.

Once again Sonny found Amanda’s words constantly bouncing around in his head. He knew on some level that she was right, but she didn’t know the real details. She didn’t know that Sonny had agreed to this situation, that his career could be in jeopardy in addition to “John’s.” 

Then again, despite his protests otherwise, Rafael was letting him in more and more. If it was just about sex why did they eat take out on Rafael’s couch, arguing case law? The counselor, a notorious clotheshorse had even made a little room in his closet so that Sonny could keep some suits there for when he spent the night, which he was doing more and more often. 

And when they slept together, there was something more in Rafael’s eyes than desire, something akin to affection. 

Was it possible that they actually could be more? That they could have a real relationship? He knew there’d be hurdles, their jobs being the biggest one, but they could figure it out if they really wanted to. 

He just wasn’t sure if he could get Rafael to admit to feelings that Sonny knew were there. The man was so incredibly stubborn. Up until now any attempt to broach the subject was met with contempt. He worried about pushing too much. 

It was a constant mental loop over the next few weeks. He’d get up the guts to say something to Rafael, then he’d chicken out, asking himself if it was really smart to be taking relationship advice from Rollins of all people. She didn’t exactly have a stellar track record when it came to relationships of her own. 

No, he finally decided, what they had worked. They may never go out on real dates or meet each others’ families; Sonny would never post a selfie of them in Central Park, his lips on Rafael’s cheek. But behind closed doors he got a version of Rafael Barba that no one else got to see. He got the bedhead and the grogginess in the morning, a gentle kiss as Rafael fixed his tie before sending him out the door to work. 

Sure, there were snarky comments about his choice of tie, but these days the words were laced with affection, a tenderness in the way Rafael gently adjusted the knot. 

Rollins was wrong. He didn’t need any more than that. 

Sonny stepped back, trying to see as much of his outfit as he could in his tiny bathroom. He only managed to see his torso, but he thought he looked good. The sleek black suit was new, paired with a crisp white shirt and skinny black tie. 

He leaned forward again, fussing with his hair a little until it was perfectly in place. He always tried to look his best for New York City Police Foundation events (a lot of the top brass attended and he wanted to make a good impression), but he could admit to himself that he was putting extra effort in because he knew Rafael would be there. 

The counselor had complained earlier that day that the DA had purchased a table and had ordered Rafael to help fill it. 

Sonny, of course, knew better than to ask if they could go together. But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t see each other there. It was perfectly acceptable for two colleagues to chat with each other at an event. And if Sonny looked so good that that particular colleague wanted to take him home after, well, that was just a happy accident. 

When he walked into the venue, he tried not to be obvious as he scanned the room, looking for Rafael. Finally, he spotted him on the other side of the ballroom, standing near a pillar checking his phone. He was alone, which surprised Sonny. He assumed that schmoozing and rubbing elbows at these things was second nature to Rafael, even if he didn’t like it. 

He looked handsome as ever in his perfectly tailored tux and Sonny’s feet were moving towards him before he even had a chance to think about it. A few people greeted him as he crossed the floor, but Sonny only returned the greetings half-heartedly, never taking his eyes off of Rafael. When he was finally standing in front of him he had to clear his throat to get the counselor to look up from his phone. 

“Carisi,” Rafael said casually, tucking his phone into the breast pocket of his jacket, but Sonny saw it, the flicker of appreciation in his eyes as he looked Sonny over.

“Counselor,” Sonny mirrored his tone. “So what table are you a—”

“Sorry that took so long. The line at the bar is a nightmare.” A man appeared next to them, handing Rafael a scotch on the rocks. 

Sonny looked at the man, at the way he stood so close to Rafael, completely comfortable resting his free hand on his elbow. Suddenly he felt incredibly stupid. 

At least Rafael had the decency to look uncomfortable. “Carisi, this is my...friend, Richard,” he said, not taking his eyes off of Sonny. “Richard, this is Detective Carisi. He’s SVU.” 

“Oh, so you work together,” the man said jovially, sticking out his hand for Sonny to shake. 

He was physically the opposite of Sonny in every way, except for the fact that he too stood several inches taller than Rafael. He was dark haired and broad shouldered with a suit and watch that screamed money. Sonny didn’t know if it made him feel better or worse that they were so different. 

“Nice to meet you.” Richard was smiling at Sonny with his perfect teeth, his hand still outstretched. 

It took everything in Sonny to raise his hand, to keep it steady as it gripped Richard’s. His heart was in his throat, but he somehow managed a “You too.” 

Rafael was still looking at him, his gaze intense, and if Sonny had been more forgiving, he’d say it was somewhat contrite. “Richard is actually my—”

“Oh, um, you know what,” Sonny interrupted, finding his voice. “I told Rollins I’d meet her by the entrance. Don’t want her on my case if I’m not there. See ya at work.” He walked away as quickly as he could, sure he looked like a lunatic but he didn’t care. He needed to get out of this room before he cried or threw up or both. 

In a twist, Rollins actually was near the door, a long, gold dress hugging her figure. “Hey,” she greeted him with a smile, but he kept moving. 

“Sorry, I gotta go.” 

“Sonny.” She grabbed his arm, trying to stop him. “Where are you goin’? I just got here.” And then, once she saw his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just...I have to get out of here. I’m sorry.” He pulled his arm from her grasp and made his way out into the cold night air, his chest heaving. 

* * *

He was an absolute idiot. Well, that was a given, and had been for a long time, if only he’d listened to Rollins. But now he was a pathetic idiot. 

Sonny had been on his way home, ready to take off the stupid suit he’d bought just to impress Rafael and drink beer in front of the tv, but instead he’d ended up here, at Barba’s building, sitting on the front stoop like a lost puppy. 

He had a key. He remembered how his heart had thumped when Rafael had given it to him, claiming it was so Sonny could come in late from work without forcing Rafael from bed. It had seemed more than that, just like there always seemed to be an underlying affection in Rafael’s actions even if his words said something else. But maybe he’d been telling the truth. The key had just been a way to make the booty calls less effort for him. 

He could have used the key instead of sitting on the steps, but he was afraid to. He'd prepared himself to have Rafael pull up in a cab, Richard climbing out after him, but he couldn’t handle seeing them come into the apartment, lips already mashed together, only to find Sonny creepily waiting in the living room. 

Sonny also had the fleeting thought that they might go to Richard’s place. In that case, was he just going to sit here all night? Probably, he thought angrily, because he was fucking pathetic. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, he was too busy mentally constructing what he’d say to Rafael, when a cab came to a stop in front of the building. Sonny braced himself, but felt his shoulders sag in relief when Rafael got out alone. Even then he hated himself for having hope that maybe Rafael wanted him after all. Maybe he’d chosen him.

For what it was worth, Rafael didn’t look all that surprised to see him. “You could have waited inside,” he said by way of greeting. 

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be alone.” 

“Look, Sonny—”

“No, don’t.” Sonny stood, all of his pain suddenly turning to anger. “I thought we had somethin’, you and me. And then you show up with some guy and introduce us like it’s nothin’?” His accent thickened when he was angry and he knew under other circumstances Rafael would mock him for it. 

“He’s just a friend. Someone I call when I need a plus one to these things. It’s not a big deal.” Ever the lawyer, he sidestepped the actual point. 

“Even if that’s true, you don’t think I deserved a heads up? I was in your office this afternoon. You could have said somethin’.” Rafael had the nerve to look ashamed, but didn’t say anything. “Are you sleeping with him?” Sonny was afraid to know the answer, but needed it all the same. 

“We have in the past, but not since...we weren’t going to tonight.” 

Sonny scoffed. “How gracious of you.” 

Rafael sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The fact that the move was incredibly sexy, especially since he was still in his tux, only served to piss Sonny off further. “Can we not do this on the street, please? Let’s go inside. I need a drink.” 

Sonny knew if he went up to Rafael’s apartment he’d lose his nerve. There’d be some sweet talk and some well placed kisses and he’d fall into bed with him like nothing had happened. 

“No, we’re gonna do this now.” 

Rafael looked around, somewhat embarrassed. “I would really rather have this conversation inside.” 

“Why? Afraid someone will see and know our dirty secret? Think a judge or maybe Fin will walk by and blow our cover? No one cares, Rafael.” Sonny spun in a circle, arms outstretched. “We’re fucking! We’re not supposed to be, but we are! See?” he said once he’d stopped, facing Rafael again. 

Not a single person on the sidewalk, not that there were many this time of night, had given him a second glance. In New York a man shouting on the sidewalk barely rated any attention. 

Now Rafael looked angry, his arms crossed. “You made your point. Are you done?” 

“No. I’m not. You can make all the excuses you want and use semantics and all your verbal gymnastics, but we’re together.” Now that he’d started, all of the things he’d left unsaid for fear of Rafael’s reaction came bubbling out. “This is a relationship, Rafael. I come here nearly every night, we have dinner together, we share a bed, I wake up next to you in the morning. It’s been months. I have a drawer and a key! Those aren’t things you do with a fuck buddy.” 

“I told you from the beginning that—”

“I know what you said,” Sonny interrupted. It was still his turn to talk. “But actions speak louder than words and you sure as hell act like someone who cares about me. At least you did, until tonight.” 

“I can’t help it if you’ve built up some fantasy about us in your head,” his tone had turned cruel and Sonny tried not to flinch at his words. “I’ve told you what this was, what I could give you, and you agreed. You  _ promised _ that you could handle it. I knew better, I knew you couldn’t, but you’re just so good at sucking dick that I couldn’t give it up. It’s not worth my job though.” 

Every bit of hope that Sonny had left, drained from his body. “You’re an asshole.” 

“And you’re delusional. So what are we still doing here?” 

Sonny didn’t respond, all the fight he’d been feeling was gone, so Rafael turned, walking up the steps of his building and leaving Sonny alone on the sidewalk. 

Rafael was long gone before Sonny finally turned, shoulders sagging, and walked away. He didn’t even know where he was going, and he didn’t care, he just needed to put as much physical distance between himself and Rafael as possible. 

He felt empty, like he’d lost a part of himself. And at the same time he felt he hadn’t earned that right. He couldn’t lose what he’d never had, and Rafael had never been his. Not really. 

If he was being honest with himself, he’d known this day was coming. Rafael was right all along; the odds were stacked against them from the beginning. There couldn’t be a future for them and it was naive of him to hope for one. 

And even with all of that logic and reason in his head, his heart still ached all the same, whether it had a right to or not. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in the interest of full transparency, the entire reason this fic was written was for this chapter. I read the following passage in the Captive Prince series and thus this fic was born:
> 
> "The ache of loss didn’t make sense, because Laurent had never been his. He had known that. The delicate thing that had grown between them had never had a right to exist. It had always had an end date, the moment that Damen reassumed his mantle."
> 
> So all credit goes to C.S. Pacat.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pain. It continues. (But then it gets better, I promise!)

At first he thought the pounding was in his head. It certainly would be on par with the last two days when he’d woken up with raging hangovers, which he cured by drinking some more. But eventually he realized that it was someone knocking on his door. Well, knocking was putting it mildly. 

The sunlight that poured into his apartment seared his irises, despite the fact that he’d pulled the curtains closed, and his stomach rolled as he stood. “Yeah, yeah, I’m comin’,” he grumbled as he walked around piles of clothes and empty bottles that littered his small studio apartment. “Just please stop.” 

Sonny yanked the door open to find Rollins standing there, hand lifted to beat on his door again. 

“You look like shit.” 

“Thanks.” He left the door open and walked over to flop on the couch, his hand over his eyes. He heard Rollins step into the apartment and close the door, but he didn’t move. “What do you want?”

“Just wanted to check on you since you haven’t been comin’ to work and you haven’t answered my texts.” 

“I’m sick.” It wasn’t even a lie at the moment. He thought if he moved a single muscle he’d throw up. 

Sonny heard the clink of a bottle and knew that Amanda was examining the label. “Yeah, I can see that,” she mused. 

“You left that here,” he said as if it was her fault that he’d drank the entire bottle of tequila. 

“I left  _ one  _ bottle here. Not the…” She must have been counting. “Three others.” 

He wanted to protest that the third one was still unopened, but didn’t think it would help his case any so he stayed quiet. So did Rollins, but he heard her moving around the apartment, the sound of a cabinet, and then the kitchen sink turn on then off. 

“Here,” she was tapping his shoulder with the glass of water. He just grunted and didn’t move to take it. Rollins sighed and put the glass on the coffee table. “I can’t believe you’d let Rafael Barba do this to you.” 

This had his eyes flying open, the pain nothing compared to the way anxiety flooded his veins. “What? This wasn’t Raf—Barba.” 

Rollins looked at ease, perched on the side of his bed since there was nowhere to sit but the couch and Sonny’s long frame took up the whole thing. “That’s what you’re going with? So you’re telling me that it’s just a coincidence that Barba becomes a miserable son of a bitch at the exact same time you get ‘sick’ and quit coming to work?”

“Barba’s always a miserable son of a bitch.” It was said with more malice than he intended, but at least it wasn’t a lie. 

“Sonny. C’mon. It’s me.” 

Sonny sighed. He guessed it didn’t really matter all that much anymore. “Fine. But you can’t say anything. He could—we could get in trouble.”

Amanda shook her head. “He dumped you and you’re still protecting him.” 

“Who said he dumped me?” 

“The bender you’ve been on.” 

“Well, you’re wrong. He couldn’t dump me because we were never together.” 

An eyebrow rose. “Come again.” 

He heaved another sigh, but explained the situation succinctly as possible. He didn’t have the energy to get into the details. 

“Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me,” Rollins said when he finished. 

“You and me both, but here we are. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You’re partially right. You can’t force Barba to get his head out of his ass, but you can get out of bed, clean this disgusting apartment, take a shower, and come back to work.” 

“But he’s at work.” It was practically a whine, but Sonny had no pride left so he didn’t bother to be embarrassed. 

“Well, you should have thought of that when you started screwing someone we work with.” 

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Really? You of all people are going to come at me with that?”

“Yes. Learn from my mistakes.”

Sonny just scoffed and put his hand back over his face. “Can you just go away? Let me be miserable. Haven’t I earned that at least?” 

“You’re letting him win,” she said like she was disappointed. 

This had his hand coming down again, and he actually sat up. “It’s not a game, Amanda. No one wins here.” 

“Maybe.” She stood, heading for the door. “But you sure are losing.” 

* * *

It took a couple more days before Sonny got tired of the tequila and his own self pity. He still wasn’t over what happened, probably wouldn’t be for a long time, but he knew he needed to get out of his apartment and get back to work. If nothing else, it would provide a distraction. He’d just have to avoid Barba at all costs. 

“Carisi, welcome back. Feeling better?” Liv greeted him when he walked into the squad room on his first day back. 

“Yeah, tha—” He froze. Barba was standing with Olivia in the middle of the room, Rollins and Fin at their desks. He’d clearly walked into an impromptu meeting of some sort. Barba had circles under his eyes that matched Sonny’s, but he didn’t look nearly as bothered by Sonny’s presence as Sonny was by his. “Um, yeah, much better. Thanks.” He managed to get out before sitting down at his desk and opening up his laptop. 

“But yes, as I was saying,” Olivia turned to Barba again, but Sonny pretended to be engrossed in his screen even though he didn’t have any open cases since he’d been out. “They’re refusing to hand over their records, so we’re going to have to get a subpoena.” 

“I’ll get to work on it.” It was the first time Sonny had heard his voice in over a week and it was just as painful as he’d imagined it would be. He could only hope that the counselor would leave soon. 

Sonny kept his head down until Olivia went back into her office, but then a shadow fell over his desk. He refused to look up. 

“Carisi, can I talk to you for a second?” 

“Now’s not a good time. I got a lotta work to catch up on.” He made the mistake of raising his eyes, Rafael’s pleading ones looked back at him. 

“Carisi. Please.” 

Even after everything, that word from those lips had him standing. 

“Fine.” Rollins shot him a look as they walked toward the bunk room, but he ignored it. He just needed this to be over with. “What do you want?” he asked the second the door closed behind them. 

“You haven’t been coming to work. I was worried about you.” 

Sonny scoffed. “Since when do you worry about me?”

“I just mean that it seems like you weren’t taking what happened between us very well, and I just—”

“You’re kidding me right? Not taking things very well?” Sonny did his best to keep his voice low, certain that Rollins was lingering somewhere outside trying to eavesdrop, but the anger still seeped out. “You fucked with my head for  _ months _ , Rafael. You made me believe that you cared about me, and then you not only shoved some other guy in my face, but you told me the only reason you bothered with me was because I was a good lay. I’m so sorry if it bothers you that I’m not taking that  _ very well. _ ”

Rafael opened his mouth to speak, but Sonny jumped in again. 

“And don’t you dare give me some bullshit about how it was only sex. I know that’s how it started out, but you know that’s not all it was.” 

Rafael stared at him a minute, and Sonny could see the gears turning in his head, choosing his words carefully. God forbid he ever just say what he felt without carefully constructing it first. “I’m sorry about Richard.” He seemed to clock Sonny’s slight flinch at the name, but continued on. “I admit now that it was a shitty thing to do.” 

Sonny scoffed, but again Rafael ignored it. “It’s just that, I needed to put some distance between us, and I thought reminding you that we weren’t exclusive would be an easy way to do that. And then you showed up on my doorstep, looking so upset, so hurt, that I just needed to—Don’t you see that it was easier this way?”

“What about any of this has been easy?” 

Rafael sighed and ran his hand down his tie, a nervous twitch that he’d argue he didn’t have. “You were right. It was more. More than I planned, more than I wanted. But it’s not something we can have, so it was just easier to…”

“Easier to lie? To be purposefully cruel? To make me feel like complete shit? I’m glad you decided to make it easier on yourself because it sure as hell hasn’t been easy for me.” Sonny had known Rafael for years, knew that he was arrogant and closed off, that he could be cold and callous, but this was a whole new level of selfishness. He felt like he was standing on that sidewalk outside of Rafael’s apartment building, getting his heart ripped out all over again. 

“From day one I said I didn’t want you to get hurt, and that’s still true, but you want more than I  can give you.” 

“No, I think it’s that I want more than you’re  _ willing _ to give me,” Sonny corrected. There was no way, given the relationship that they’d shared, that Rafael was incapable of caring, of loving. 

For once the counselor didn’t argue. “Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were okay and to apologize for what happened. I still think that what I did was right, that we needed to call things off, but I didn’t do it in the right way. You didn’t deserve that—or any of this—so, again, I’m sorry.”

Sonny knew what it took for Rafael to get over himself and actually apologize for something, but even with that knowledge he couldn’t bring himself to forgive him. He knew that he was partially to blame for what happened, that he’d lied to himself and Barba about what his expectations had been, but he’d never gone out of his way to hurt Rafael. 

He was pretty sure that every time he laid eyes on Rafael from here on out the words, _ ‘You’re just so good at sucking dick that I couldn’t give it up. It’s not worth my job though’  _ would run through his head. There was no way he was going to accept his apology, absolving him of his guilt and responsibility. If Sonny had to carry this around with him, so did he. 

Sonny crossed his arms. “Well, you’ve apologized. I hope you feel better.” 

Rafael nodded, as if Sonny had confirmed something for him, and reached for the door. Everything inside Sonny wanted to stop him. He knew this was probably the last time they’d ever speak about anything besides a case, and even though he was angry and hurt, he was still sad that it had all come to this. But instead, he bit down on his lip to keep himself from saying anything, and let Rafael walk out. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've made it to the end! Thank you all for following along with this. I hope I've been able to make your self quarantining and little better. All of your comments and kudos have definitely lifted my spirits. I hope you enjoy! <3

Sonny tightened his seat belt when the captain announced they’d be beginning their descent into JFK. He wasn’t a nervous flier, per se, but he wasn’t fully sold on the whole ‘planes were made to be in the air’ thing, so he liked to be careful. He was probably the only one who paid attention to the preflight safety instructions. 

He tapped his Apple watch, noting that they’d actually be landing early. The watch slid on his wrist just a bit, revealing a patch of white skin, a stark contrast to the golden hue of the rest of his arm. It was probably the most tan he’d been since he was a teenager, when he and his friends would spend their summers at Huguenot Beach. 

It was Rollins who’d talked him into taking some time off, getting away. At first he’d argued that it made it seem worse, like he was running, that he couldn’t handle what had happened, but he’d finally realized—with some not so gentle prodding from Amanda—that getting out of New York was what he really needed. 

So he’d gone, taking two weeks of vacation out of the several he had. He’d ended up in Key West, the warmest place that had the cheapest flights when he’d searched. It took him a few days to relax and enjoy himself, but finally he left his AirBnB and explored the island.

His days were spent mostly at the beach, relaxing and reading, getting that tan that he had now, but others he would visit some of the tourist attractions, though careful to avoid the southernmost point with the buoy that boasted that they were only ninety miles from Cuba. He didn’t want to think about Cuba or any particular Cubans. 

But the strategy went to hell when he’d decided to visit the Hemingway House. He whiled away most of an afternoon, exploring the rooms and finding joy in the six toed cats that roamed the property, but when he’d made it to Hemingway’s writing studio above the carriage house something in his chest squeezed. He pictured the Hemingway novels on Rafael’s bookshelves and remembered the Saturday morning they’d spent debating which of the author’s works was the best. 

To combat the longing he felt for Rafael, he’d spent the remainder of his nights at the bars along Duval Street. The alcohol flowed and the men were gorgeous, and while he didn’t take any of them back to his rental, the drinks and the flirting and the male attention made for a good distraction. 

As the days and nights wore on, he thought less and less of Rafael, but he never went away, not completely. 

And now, here he was, about to land back in New York, where the gloom of fall had started to take hold and a certain ADA would once again be a part of his daily life. Those last few days in Key West he’d been sure that he could handle it, that he was perfectly capable of resuming a friendly, platonic, working relationship with Rafael, but now, as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac, he wasn’t so sure. 

* * *

It was a couple of hours later when Sonny finally hauled his carry-on up the four flights of stairs to his apartment. Even this late traffic was hell getting all the way up to Washington Heights from JFK and it had taken an excruciatingly long time, especially when he just wanted to fall into bed. 

He’d just reached his landing when he saw that there was someone outside his apartment, messing with his door. Instinctively, Sonny reached for his hip, only to remember that his gun was locked in the safe inside his apartment. 

He was contemplating a strategy when realization dawned. “Rafael?”

The counselor jumped, turning around and looking like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. There was a white envelope in his hand. “Sonny. You’re back.” 

“I’m back.” In all the time they’d been together—or whatever they were calling it—Rafael had never made the trek up to Sonny’s apartment, and he sure as hell hadn’t expected him to be waiting there for him when he got back from the airport. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I was, um, well…” It was incredible to see Rafael flustered. A few weeks ago Sonny might have found it cute, but now he was just frustrated. “I was just dropping off…” Rafael trailed off again, but held up the envelope. Sonny could now see his name scrawled in Rafael’s handwriting on the front. 

Leave it to Rafael to hand deliver a physical letter. “You could have just emailed me.” 

“Like you wouldn’t have deleted it immediately?” 

He had a point. “And what was to stop me from ripping that up?”

“Nothing, I guess. I just thought that maybe the extra effort would make you curious enough to open it.” 

“It’s a little late to be putting in extra effort, Rafael.” Sonny didn’t have it in him to fight and his words just came out tired and melancholy. 

“I know that. I do, but I just—I couldn’t leave things the way they were.” 

Sonny just stood there, his hand still on the handle of his rolling suitcase, staring at the man he’d shared a bed with for the better part of the last year. Finally, just as Rafael predicted, curiosity got the better of him. “What’s it say?”

“Oh, well…” Rafael looked down at the letter in his hands. “It’s probably better if I just leave it here for you to read.” 

“No,” Sonny shook his head. “I want to hear you say it. Whatever it is that you wanted me to know.” He moved past Rafael unlocking the door to his apartment and pushing it open. Once inside he turned to face Rafael, leaning on the door jamb. “You can come in now and tell me what you want, or the only words I’ll ever say to you again are ‘Counselor, I need a warrant.’ It’s up to you.” 

Rafael’s eyes widened a bit at his directness and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. For a moment he thought that maybe Rafael was going to leave, but then he moved toward the doorway and Sonny took a step back to let him in before closing the door. 

He didn’t bother to take off his leather jacket or even move farther into the apartment. Instead, he leaned against the door, arms crossed, and looked at Rafael expectantly. 

Rafael kept his distance, resting on the back of the couch. “I guess first I should tell you that a lot happened while you were away.” He looked like what he had to say next was difficult and Sonny felt a sinking in his gut. If Rafael was about to tell him he was in a relationship with someone he didn’t know if he could take it. “I quit the DA’s office.” 

“You what?!” All pretense of stoicism flew out the window. That was the last thing he expected to hear. “But nobody…” Sonny reached for his phone like he’d somehow missed a text from Rollins telling him that Barba had quit. 

“They don’t know yet. I wanted you to know first.” 

“Why?”

“I haven’t really been happy there for awhile, you know?” Sonny didn’t know. Rafael never really talked about how he felt about anything. “When I first started doing this, I loved it. The fight, the justice, the vindication. But now, now it’s just exhausting. And somewhere along the way the lines got blurred and I’m not really myself anymore.”

Sonny felt a sympathy for Rafael that he’d never felt before. He’d been closer to him than anyone on the squad and he’d had no idea how he’d been struggling. “I’m really sorry to hear that you were having such a tough time.” At the same time, he wondered what any of this had to do with him. 

“These last few weeks, I realized something,” Rafael continued. “In all of the day to day bullshit, all the bureaucracy and pushing the rock uphill and not ever feeling like I won, even with a guilty verdict, I had one bright spot in my life. And that was you.” 

Sonny opened his mouth, but nothing came out. It was possibly the most sincere thing he’d ever heard Rafael say and he didn’t know how to react. 

“I know I treated you terribly and that you hate me now, but I needed you to know. That in one of the worst times of my life, you were the best. And I don’t deserve it, but I’d give anything for you to forgive me, to give me another chance.” 

“Rafael.” It was pained even though Sonny hadn’t really meant for it to be. He’d dreamed of Rafael saying these words to him, but there was still a part of him who was afraid to trust it. 

“I know,” Rafael held up his hands. “I had no right coming here or to ask your forgiveness. But I’ve never regretted anything as much as I regret the way I treated you. You were right, I messed with your head, and it wasn’t fair. I was just—you became so much more than sex to me and that scared me. 

“I knew if I let you too close, you’d see who I really was: a miserable old bastard. And you wouldn’t want me anymore. So I pushed you away. And I’m sorry.” He suddenly looked uncomfortable again, like he’d just realized all he’d said. “Yeah, so anyway, that’s what the letter said.” 

Sonny couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips, but he stayed leaning against the door. “That’s a pretty good letter.” 

“That was the eighth draft. The first seven weren’t so great.” 

Sonny’s smile grew and his dimples made an appearance as he finally pushed away from the door, crossing the floor to stand in front of Rafael. “You’ll be honest with me? No games, no hiding?”

“You’ll get it all, the good and the bad,” Rafael promised, looking up into Sonny’s eyes. 

“I’ve missed you.” The words were practically a sigh of relief as Sonny gripped the lapels of Rafael’s navy blue trench coat, pulling him close. 

The letter dropped to the floor as Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny’s back, raising himself up so that his mouth hovered near Sonny’s. He seemed uncertain, like he wanted Sonny to make the first move. So Sonny did just that, lowering his mouth to cover Rafael’s. 

At first contact his heart filled and his whole body tingled. He hadn’t believed he’d ever get to hold Rafael again, to kiss him, to feel his heart beat against his chest. It would take time for Sonny to fully trust him again, but he believed Rafael wanted to do things right this time, and that was a start. 

He took advantage of his good luck, kissing Rafael’s lips, licking into his mouth and then moving to kiss his jaw and down the side of his neck, reveling in the way Rafael leaned into him. But then something occurred to him. “Wait,” he lifted his head. “You didn’t quit the DA’s office for me did you? Because I don’t think that’s—”

“No,” Rafael interrupted him. “I quit for me.” He raised himself up again to capture Sonny’s lips in a quick kiss. “And for us.” 


End file.
